OK, this is the show I've been waiting for. Right off the bat we have statutory rape, incest, friends hooking up with friend's crush, and so much red hair dye you could fill Tom Brady's warming coat all the way up...
The drama in this show is real. I actually don't know if I can handle it. We'll see.
So, the extremely close Blossom twins, Cheryl and Jason, start us off in River's Edge, as we see them making their way to the lake to do whatever it is brother and sister lovers do. Advice to Cheryl...
Don't wear those shoes, girl. This is not practical. I get the feeling that they don't do things practically in Riverdale, though.
So Cheryl gets discovered shortly after, sitting on a rock crying for her brother who supposedly drowned. Her story claims they were in a canoe and she reached from the boat to retrieve a glove when the boat tipped and Jason fell out. Apparently their parents only paid for Cheryl's swim lessons.
All of the important citizens of Riverdale gather by the river's edge to watch the search for Jason's body unfold, when all of a sudden Craig from Night at the Roxbury shows up!
I'm sure Lochlyn Munro has been involved with several other projects since that late 90s comedy, but he will always be Craig to me. Here he is Betty's dad, and I think I feel sorry for him. Betty's mom seems like a piece of work but I'm really excited to see how the relationship between Betty and her mother goes.
Poor Betty. Her mom is almost the worst and Betty is in love with Archie, who is also the worst. I know Betty and Archie are supposed to be the best of friends, but Betty seems like a way better friend than Archie. Of course Archie is in love with his music teacher and he's super into Veronica at the same time, so this shouldn't surprise me any. But poor Betty.
She really didn't want Veronica around Archie. But soon enough Betty and Veronica would be besties, making out to secure a spot on the cheerleading team. I wasn't really sure why Veronica thought that kissing would make them shoo-ins during their tryouts, but she seemed convinced. In the end, Cheryl, who is positioned at the top of the pecking order and inevitably the top judge on the cheerleading team, didn't respond to the kiss. Cheryl apparently responds to threats and confidence. Veronica says all the right things with the appropriate tone and is able to secure her spot, as well as Betty's on the team. Go Veronica! I'm liking her.
This is another relationship I'm eager to see develop. Veronica and Betty are my favorite things about the show so far, you know, besides all the drama. I love the drama. V and B deliver the drama too, though. The crew ends up at a party hosted by Cheryl towards the end of this episode. Being high school kids, they play a spin the bottle/seven minutes in heaven type game. I can't remember if they had a name for it, but I know there was a bottle involved and a closet and several minutes alone time with another party member. Of course Veronica and Archie are lucky enough to win seven minutes together. And of course they do more than just talk even though they both know Betty is ridiculously in love with Archie. I blame Archie for this because I don't like him and I like Veronica. I'm like that. I really can't understand why all these girls are into the wanna be John Mayer of the group. This is exactly what the world needs, attractive douchebags playing acoustic guitar. Not.
The world, and this show, could probably use more of Josie and the Pussycats, or at least their music over Archie's mopey songs about his love affair with Grundy. We didn't get much of Josie, but "you're staring at our pussycat ears, which is rude" was my favorite line in this whole episode. All of the attitude thrown Archie's way was amusing.
Archie is seriously terrible. I like him, but he's terrible. This thought was cemented when he fed Betty this line at the end, "you're too good for me." Wait. No. It's not me, it actually is you, you're too good for me. But this is the immature response I expect from a hormonal driven teen, so I can't be mad. I can, however, dislike Archie for the time. It's all these hidden injuries I'm harboring from my traumatic high school experiences. This show is forcing me to relive them. I kind of love it.
- Riverdale brings us all the drama we want and then some. So, go grab your twin brother, your 90210 dad, and get a ride from the hot teacher and let’s dive into River’s Edge!
- Jughead is our narrator and Riverdale is about is about as typical as towns come, until the July 4th, when ginger twins Cheryl and Jason Blossom, decide to go on not a totally incest date
river ride in a canoe. Jason ends up missing, presumed dead, allegedly all because Cheryl dropped a glove into the water, he leaned over and tipped the canoe over.
Not an incest date . . . 
So not an incest date . . . - Fast forward to the last day of summer break and we meet the rest of our main cast. Betty and gay BFF Kevin prep for Betty’s other BFF (and love interest) Archie’s return.
- Archie apparently got super hot by working at his father’s construction site all summer, because you know construction work gives all works 6 pack abs and muscles to boot.
- While Archie and Betty hang out at the local teen hang out spot, a diner called the Choc’lit Shop, Veronica lodge arrives in town with her mother, Hermoine, who is facing embezzlement charges. At first sight, Archie is instantly attracted to Veronica, but we all know his heart wants someone else. (HINT: It’s not Betty either).
Archie was totally into Veronica's Grim Reaper cloak - The first day of school finds Veronica and Betty becoming instant friends, more so via Veronica’s pushing to be BFF’s. Once Kevin spills the beans about Betty’s desires to date Archie, Veronica instantly becomes her biggest cheerleader.
Probably the three most likable characters thus far . . . - Soon, we meet Josie and the Pussycats, who Archie wants to take lessons from because over the summer he decided he wants to singer and wrote some songs, but Josie and the Pussycats are not giving anyone the time of day.
Long tails and ears for hats! - Later at lunch, Veronica, while chilling with Betty, Kevin and Archie we meet Cheryl, who is also the head cheerleader and has some serious issues with Betty.
- At a pep rally we learn over the summer, after becoming a seriously hot ginger because of construction work, Archie and his teacher Ms. Grundy ( so not a Felicity knockoff from CW’s other show, Arrow) had a-GASP!-torrid affair in the back of doombuggie! Apparently those feelings still linger because both of them have the most intense, longing stare off while somehow no one else noticed, even though it was so obvious.
#NotFelicity - When he goes to #NotFelicity for help with his “music”, which she denies, we learn on the 4th of July, they were canoodling near the river the morning that the incest twins took their forbidden boat ride and they heard a gunshot! (dun-Dun-DUN!)
Stacy's mom has got it going on . . . - Everyone who thinks Cheryl killed her brother, raise your hand . . .
- Betty and Veronica tryout for cheerleading and Cheryl wants nothing to do with Betty, especially after she cannot push Betty over the edge, but wants Veronica to be on the team. Veronica insists they come as a pair and so they both become cheerleaders.
Front Handspring Step Out, Round off, Back Handspring, Step Out, Round Off, Backhand Spring, Full Twisting Layout - Betty later opens up to Veronica about her sister’s history with Cheryl’s twin brother, Jason. They dated, he was abusive, it became toxic and her mom is also psycho, so Polly is now in a mental institution!
- Veronica urges Betty to ask Archie to the dance and Betty awkwardly asks him to go with her- and Veronica!
Not Awkward . . . - The dance is oddly decorated with giant flyers of Jason Blossom and once again, Archie sulks over teacher, #NotFelicity and easily convinces her to do an “independent study” with him to work on his music.
- Betty confesses her feelings to Archie but he can only think about his teacher, #NotFelicity
- The after party is held at Cheryl’s and everyone goes because she is so awesome to be around (sarcasm). Cheryl insists they play spin the bottle and ends up throwing Archie and Veronica in the closet.
Veronica: We're not to kiss . . . 
Archie: We're not going to kiss . . . 
They Kiss . . .
- While searching for Betty, Archie runs into Jughead who is writing a novel of everything going down Riverdale.
- Archie finds Betty and again breaks her heart by telling her he will never be good enough for her.
- And finally, while having a secret date with closet case Moose (the dumb school jock), Kevin finds Jason’s body with a bullet hole in the head!
Boy Bye! - The final scene shows everyone gathered at the mountain top the next morning, like you do, to watch the body being taken away while Jughead promises that soon the first arrest is made! End Scene!
*****Extra Tidbits*****
- Riverdale looks like it’s going to be such a fun show!
- Archie is the worst. Veronica seems cool and I like her friendship with Betty. I’d like to see more from Jughead and Kevin was a character I really liked.
- Hermoine and Lucky Perry (Archie’s dad) have history and given the bag of money Hermoine mysteriously received, we have a long way to go.
- Betty’s mom is C-R-A-Z-Y and really does not like gingers.
Introducing Crazy Pants! - I’d also like to see more from Josie and the Pussycats too!
Questions:
- Who do you think killed Jason and Why?
- Were Cheryl and Jason close or were they “close?”
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